Thursday, March 22, 2007

My Biggest Fear

I've realized recently what one of my biggest fears is. This fear has been a part of my life for quite some time now and I can't seem to kick it. But I guess fears are stubborn that way.

I'm afraid that something will suddenly happen to a family member or friend that is very traumatic. This something could be death, a physical injury, a serious health diagnosis, or an accident/bad decision that may lead to very negative legal ramifications. The "sudden" part of these scenarios is what is most nerve-wracking to me, but I guess this list of items don't usually happen gradually. Sometimes I get nervous because I've made it this far in life without having to deal with too many of these unfortunate events, and because of that, maybe there's a big one looming around the corner.

I used to be plagued with horrible thoughts of horiffic things that could happen to people I love. It was as if a tiny little thought crept into my mind and then it snowballed until I'm almost freaking out. I'm a fairly empathetic person, which is to my detriment sometimes since I imagine how I would feel in these situations or when I see things that happen on the news to other people. I draw up the emotions I would experience during one of these events, which makes dwell on these situations on a deeper level, and then am unable to quickly forget these thoughts and news stories. James thoughtfully tries to keep me from watching the news.

It's starting to sound as though I'm paralyzed by these fears. It's not super often that these fears arise, but when they do, it can be pretty upsetting.

Really, the only thing that helps me is to pray about these things. I'm able to rest in the peace that comes with the assurance I have that my God sees and knows everything. And that He would give me the strength to deal with any event in my life, no matter how traumatic.

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