Yikes, it's almost been a month. Though to be honest, I probably wouldn't be posting today if it weren't for the kind encouragement of a great friend expressing her "kilt withdrawal."
I've been avoiding posting because I knew I'd be sharing some sad news: James and I lost our first baby to a miscarriage. Not that it's news I want to keep hidden, quite the opposite, being able to openly grieve the loss of our precious child has helped the healing process, but it's not so much a fun event to write about.
Not many people knew I was pregnant, we were waiting for the first ultrasound to spread the word. But it was at the first ultrasound on July 16th that we got the news that every parent dreads the most: no heartbeat. Our little one died at 7 weeks, we found out at my tenth week of pregnancy.
I know that each of you who have experienced this understands the immense grief that accompanies it. I never could have even begun to grasp how much this loss would rock my world. I don't think I could accurately express the ways in which my heart has ached so I won't even try.
As with any death, there are various stages of the healing process. I'm very grateful to be able to say that I am actually in the healing process; it took a while to begin. At this point I'm still unable to concentrate on anything having to do with babies or pregnancy for any period of time. I just can't let my mind go there. Not yet.
The positives. Because even with difficulties such as these, there are positives.
1. I know we will see this baby one day in heaven. That is a hope I know I can hold onto because I believe in a God who provides that hope. He has also provided incredible peace and comfort during the last month.
2. My husband. Oh, my amazing husband. Seeing him grow into a father during those first few weeks was priceless. I've been blessed to see that, what I always knew I could expect, actually did happen: James will be a wonderful father to our children.
And then after we got that horrible news, he has been an unceasing source of comfort and encouragement. Even through his own grieving, he has helped to sustain me. This struggle has brought us even closer together and strengthened our marriage.
3. Our family and friends have been incredible. I didn't realize how helpful it would be to know that people are grieving with us, and that there are many who've experienced this loss and totally understand. Not that "misery loves company" but, realizing that there are many people who love us so much that they feel this pain along with us, helps us get through it.
4. Knowing the depths of this loss makes me so much more grateful for the miracle of babies. I know that if we are given the gift of another baby, I will be even more appreciative for the wonderful gift that they are than I was the first time around.
So that brings us up to speed. More to come on the tons of other things that have been going on over the past month...