Friday, August 22, 2008

Hello Again

Yikes, it's almost been a month. Though to be honest, I probably wouldn't be posting today if it weren't for the kind encouragement of a great friend expressing her "kilt withdrawal."

I've been avoiding posting because I knew I'd be sharing some sad news: James and I lost our first baby to a miscarriage. Not that it's news I want to keep hidden, quite the opposite, being able to openly grieve the loss of our precious child has helped the healing process, but it's not so much a fun event to write about.

Not many people knew I was pregnant, we were waiting for the first ultrasound to spread the word. But it was at the first ultrasound on July 16th that we got the news that every parent dreads the most: no heartbeat. Our little one died at 7 weeks, we found out at my tenth week of pregnancy.

I know that each of you who have experienced this understands the immense grief that accompanies it. I never could have even begun to grasp how much this loss would rock my world. I don't think I could accurately express the ways in which my heart has ached so I won't even try.

As with any death, there are various stages of the healing process. I'm very grateful to be able to say that I am actually in the healing process; it took a while to begin. At this point I'm still unable to concentrate on anything having to do with babies or pregnancy for any period of time. I just can't let my mind go there. Not yet.

The positives. Because even with difficulties such as these, there are positives.

1. I know we will see this baby one day in heaven. That is a hope I know I can hold onto because I believe in a God who provides that hope. He has also provided incredible peace and comfort during the last month.

2. My husband. Oh, my amazing husband. Seeing him grow into a father during those first few weeks was priceless. I've been blessed to see that, what I always knew I could expect, actually did happen: James will be a wonderful father to our children.
And then after we got that horrible news, he has been an unceasing source of comfort and encouragement. Even through his own grieving, he has helped to sustain me. This struggle has brought us even closer together and strengthened our marriage.

3. Our family and friends have been incredible. I didn't realize how helpful it would be to know that people are grieving with us, and that there are many who've experienced this loss and totally understand. Not that "misery loves company" but, realizing that there are many people who love us so much that they feel this pain along with us, helps us get through it.

4. Knowing the depths of this loss makes me so much more grateful for the miracle of babies. I know that if we are given the gift of another baby, I will be even more appreciative for the wonderful gift that they are than I was the first time around.

So that brings us up to speed. More to come on the tons of other things that have been going on over the past month...

7 comments:

Glenda said...

Jennifer,

I am very very sorry for your loss. The pain of losing a child is terrible and devastating and stops you in your tracks.

I too lost a child. I had a Dr. appt at 13 weeks, but found out the baby had passed away at 12 weeks. It is news you never want to face.

Again, I am very sorry. I will be praying for you and your husband as you face this tough time.

Your cousin,

Glenda

Valerie said...

Love you

Anna- the mother and author said...

My kilt withdraw is much better- thanks! I am so thankful to hear that your healing has begun. For the short time your little one was with you, I know that he/she was greatly loved. Loved as much as any baby has ever been loved. And it is beautiful that your love continues!

Believe me, I know all about writing through the pain. Sharing your journey will only make it easier for you. I am sure there are tons of people just waiting to offer their support and love to you. True friends are those people who seek you out in times of distress, not simply in times of joy. You are a true friend and a brave woman! Keep your heart open, and you will find comfort.

Big hugs to you and James. Much Love!

MrsG said...

Dearest Jennifer, I know that must have been difficult to write, but it helps to know how to continue to pray for you! I'm glad to read that you are continuing to heal. We love you both!

Anonymous said...

Sometimes as much as it hurts Gods timing is always perfect. I don't always understand and sometimes it is really hard to accept but who am I to question Gods wisdom and timing. I cannot say I can begin to know how much hurt you and James have gone through. I know I have cried many times and right now is one of them. I will miss our grandchild but yes we also will be able to see the little one in heaven. I look forward to the day in see Jesus and our grandchild. God bless you both as you continue to do work that will amaze the angels and confound the lost. My prayer is many who don't know Jesus will come to know him through your work and if only one comes to know Him...all will be worth it. Our/my love and prayers will be with you always.
Dad

Anonymous said...

Jennifer, Having read about yours and James' loss I can only empathise with you. Our third child was taken within weeks of our conversion and it was a bitter pill. Looking back though we can see that it was all in His plan and we grew from it. My prayer is that you too will have the same perspective some day. Good Bless. M

I'm Jennifer said...

Hi M,
Thanks so much for your comment, it's so encouraging to know people understand and are empathizing with us.
thanks!